THIS week, the country’s gallant prisons continued to defend the country from enemies, such as dangerous journalists.
Journalist Hopewell Chin’ono told his lawyers that he was unwell. Naturally, his lawyers alerted prison authorities, and his doctor. To show the world that the man was feeling alright, and lying about his health, the prison officers made sure they dragged him from his cell to parade him at court, contrary to his doctor’s recommendations.
Zimbabwe Prisons and Correctional Services told us that “he is well and being treated like any other prisoner”.
Just translate; when they say “being treated like any other prisoner”, they mean being generally deprived of his rights, harassed, and fed on lumpy sadza and watery cabbage and all the other cuisine our fine prisons are known for.
According to reports from court, the prisons doctor denied speculation that Chin’ono was showing symptoms of Covid-19.
“The accused has not exhibited any symptoms of Covid-19, except a slight elevated temperature and a headache,” the court heard.
It was like a man saying he had no symptoms of a hangover, except for a spinning head and mild nausea.
It must be news to the World Health Organisation everywhere that high temperatures and headaches are no longer symptoms of coronavirus. We are grateful to have such bright doctors taking care of our prisoners.
Meanwhile, The Herald reported that Chin’ono was well, “contrary to social media speculation”.
Muckraker joins the nation in congratulating The Herald, the country’s most credible newspaper, for graduating into the country’s finest medical diagnosis institution.
Over at Zanu PF, the party is finally coming to terms with the failure of its so-called re-engagement plan.
“Zimbabweans need to understand that there will be no cent from IMF, the World Bank or African Development Bank, or such, despite the fact that Zimbabwe is a shareholder in all these organisations,” roared acting Zanu PF spokesperson Patrick Chinamasa.
Of course, Chinamasa is ever ready to shout “I told you so” to poor Mthuli Ncube, who still harbours fantasies of world acceptance, while working for a violent, primitive cult.
We thank Chinamasa for constantly reminding Mthuli and other so-called “technocrats” that they are wasting their time.
Unless, of course, he stays long enough to become Zanu PF MP in Lupane and disappear into the Zanu PF pit of failure like many who went before him.
We remember a time the likes of Joseph Made and Jonathan Moyo were touted as technocrats. Today, one is a failed farmer, while the other now spends his days exercising nothing, but his thumbs. Mthuli should take Chinamasa’s advice.
According to Chinamasa, “the dance with foreign capitals must now be limited to only those serving our mutual interests”.
Except, obviously, for the fact that no foreign capitals still want to do business with this lot. The Chinese are a lot of things, but they do not do business with people who can’t even count.
The Russians do not take Zimbabwe seriously, even when he comically called Vladimir Putin his “brother” in Moscow last year.
As for our attempts to get aid from poor Belarus, our comrade Alexander Lukashenko might need to save money for retirement, given the protests rocking his government.
Chinamasa was right about one thing, though.
“Zanu PF will never be acceptable to the West, no matter who the leader is,” he said. This is true. He also forgot to say the Zanu PF will never be acceptable to Zimbabweans, no matter who the leader is.
This week, Zanu PF released a statement saying the West is angry with Zimbabwe because of the “ideology and legacy Zanu PF represents”.
Zanu PF supporters were obviously shocked to hear that the West hates Zanu PF ideology, seeing as they are sure Zanu PF has no ideology whatsoever. One day we are champions of indigenisation, the next day we are repealing such laws because we are “open for business”.
One day we are taking land without compensation because it is our birth right, the next day we are paying US$3,5 billion to farmers. Currently, the only clear Zanu PF ideology is thievery and corruption. Of that, the masses have no doubt.
One person not taking things well is George Charamba, the President’s prehistoric relic of a mouthpiece.
South Africa’s President Cyril Ramaphosa announced at the weekend that the ANC is to send a delegation to Zimbabwe, and that the delegation will meet all stakeholders, and not just Zanu PF. South Africa, Ramaphosa said, was concerned about “the situation at our borders”.
Of course, because facts make Charamba mad, he did go mad.
There was nothing with Zimbabweans leaving their country to work in South Africa, Charamba ranted.
Do we born-frees think that “African labour migration is a Zimbabwean phenomenon”, he shouted on Twitter, to nobody in particular. “And do we not know of WENELA?”
“What is new or post-1980 about Zimbabweans leaving for South Africa to follow gold, chrome, platinum, diamonds” the man ranted.
Thank you for the education, Mr Charamba. At least now you confirm that our liberators are no different from the colonisers that drove young black people out of their country out of desperation for jobs.
According to Charamba, South Africa has no right to tell Zimbabwe what to do.
It is but a child in the region, which should instead be looking up to big brothers like Zimbabwe for guidance.
“It (South Africa) has no capacity to help any African State in Sadc, beyond friendly solidarity,” Charamba said. Except, of course, for hosting millions of Zimbabweans, who ran away from countries with more capacity.
While Charamba was frothing at the mouth, vainly trying to use history to make a point, Obert Mpofu said the ANC delegation coming to Zimbabwe would be a “welcome development”. The ANC and Zanu PF, he says, talk all the time.
You know you are talking out of your rear when you make Mpofu sound like a reasonable man.