Surprise coronavirus cure, jail for fake news peddlers

JUST as the rest of the globe was losing hope in finding a treatment for Covid-19, Zimbabwe made a surprise announcement. The cure lies in dried vegetables.
On Tuesday, the main story on ZBC-TV, the world’s most trusted news source, was that the First Lady was drying vegetables for distribution to people around the country. The news was also covered in The Herald, easily the world’s most credible newspaper.

MUCKRAKER
Twitter: @MuckrakerZim

The excitable Herald gushed: “The 21-day lockdown has failed to dampen the motherly instincts of First Lady Auxillia Mnangagwa, who spent the better part of yesterday morning drying vegetables to meet the dietary needs of the vulnerable and elderly.”

This has to be the cure for coronavirus. Why else would it be the main story, smack in the middle of a global crisis of massive proportions?
Which self-respecting government would allow its pliant media to run that as a main story during a time like this, if there was not a big story behind it?
Surely it cannot be possible that, in the middle of a crisis, our national broadcaster decides that the main story is dried vegetables. We refuse to think that is the case. We are sure the nation is being cued up for a massive announcement telling the world of the healing qualities of dried covo.

Wheelchair

There was more massive news this week from Zimbabwe’s current owners. While touring the country that they own, they happened upon a disabled man begging by the roadside. The motorcade screeched to a halt and its esteemed occupants emerged to talk down to the man, caked in dust. In no time, a wheelchair had been secured from the Angel of Hope Foundation, and delivered to the disabled man.

One has to marvel at the efficiency displayed by all involved.Across the country, there were tears of gratitude. We have never seen such generosity to the disabled, at least not since Jesus Christ came by that disabled man in the town of Capernaum and told him to pick up his mat and walk. Which country on the planet is blessed with such leadership?

Toilet

Donations continue to pile up at State House, as the country once again displays the deep generosity that has become synonymous with the First Couple. People have looked up to them and decided to emulate their spirit of giving.

This week, it was announced on ZBC that a local company had bought the First Couple a mobile toilet each. They are to use these mobile ablution facilities whenever they go on their usual tours of the country they own.

Heaven forbid our country’s most famous couple be left to share toilets with the wretched povo. What sort of country would we be?
So, for our motorcade, we have those speedy motorbikes, the usual luxury 4X4s carrying too many good-for-nothing hangers-on, an open truck with those gun-toting militiamen, an ambulance, and now a truck carrying a toilet.

No doubt the country will be delighted to know that the VIPs are walking around with human manure.

Country tour

The President, leading by example as always, is observing the call to stay at home by travelling around the country.

After a tour of Harare, he decided it was time to show everyone how to comply with his lockdown, but going all over the country.

“Last week, we toured Harare, but I then told myself that the majority of the country’s leadership is resident in Harare so I should also check what is happening in other cities and towns because people would ask questions as to why I only toured Harare.

“Today (yesterday) I visited Chegutu, Kadoma and Kwekwe to have a feel of what is happening and I was quite impressed with the level of compliance in all the cities,” the President said.

That all these towns just happen to be on the way to his Kwekwe farm is a coincidence. Anyone who suggests the man was simply taking detours on his way to his farm risks being arrested for undermining the authority of the President.

He was pleased to see that people were staying indoors, the leader told reporters. Of course, nobody should suggest that the absence of people on the roads was due to citizens being allegedly bashed on their heads ahead of his arrival.

We should just be like his ministers and tell him what he wants to hear: that people love him so much, they do whatever it is he says.

Head bashing

Speaking of head bashing, the High Court this week had to remind the Zimbabwe Republic Police that beating up people is not part of their job.
The order came after an application by Karoi resident Lucia Masvondo, who was assaulted by the security forces and bitten by dogs while cooking outside her house.

According to the High Court judges, Justices Joseph Muswakwa and Justice Owen Tagu, the cops must implement Covid-19 regulations “with full respect for human rights and fundamental freedoms of persons”.

This, obviously, caused confusion at ZRP General Headquarters. Do you mean there is another type of policing that does not involve randomly beating up people? You mean police can be a service that protects and serves, and not one that is hated and feared by law-abiding citizens? Policing without teargas and batons?

How is that even possible?

At the time of going to press, senior police officers were in high-level meetings, still wondering about what to do about this completely strange, earth-shattering revelation.

Court order

Still at the courts, government officials were also shocked after judges ordered them to do their jobs.

A court ruling declared that it was the government’s job to provide healthcare to the public and adequate protection to health workers.

“For the duration of Covid-19 lockdown or extended period, the Ministry of Health shall ensure that adequate measures are put in place to prevent, contain and treat the incidence of Covid-19 and, in particular, ensure within the limit of resources that appropriate equipped quarantine and isolation facilities are established in all provinces district hospitals and at the designated airports and port of entry,” the order read It has had to take citizens going to court to force the government to do its work. Until now, the government was unaware that it had a job to do, beyond, of course, collecting taxes, buying big cars and travelling on airplanes for no reason.