Lousy comical barrage from a clueless captain

MUCKRAKER

NOT a week passes without the man coming up with a new joke to keep the nation rolling on the floor. Not long ago, he was in Kuwadzana, telling jokes about the virtues of vegetables and the evils of meat.

The other week, he was warning people about the need to hunt down cockroaches. Then, before the nation’s ribs had recovered, he was back with another episode.
Last week, the man went to Gutu to clean up the rundown Mupandawana growth point. It was then announced that a new mortuary was to be built there.

Seeing the crowd, the President switched into comedy mode, telling the world that he once ran a competition, whose prize was the chance to use a new mortuary.
Of course, there was laughter. This is because, in Zimbabwe, if a leader tells a joke and people do not laugh, they could get arrested for undermining the authority of the President.

Many ungrateful people accuse the man of not creating jobs. Fake news.He is certainly creating job opportunities for the country’s comedians. As long as he is President, they will never run out of material.

Ridiculous

Not to be outdone is the wife Auxilia, who would go to ridiculous lengths to get national attention.This week “Madam Page Two” (she occupies page two of the slavish state daily The Herald nearly on a daily basis, which gives a blow-by-blow account of her patriotic activities reportedly on orders from the corridors of power).

This week, not satisfied by just being captured doing laundry or scrubbing a floor in some household, she has resorted to taking driving lessons and taking a road test for a class one licence all in front of cameras and fawning state hacks.

The sight of breathless members of staff from the Traffic Safety Council taking Auxilia through the defensive driving course on national television and furthermore with the First Lady driving a bus under the supervision of an awestruck inspector, demonstrated the extent to which state media is abused to serve the selfish ends of politicians desperate for the limelight.

For the national broadcaster to increase its licence fees for this drivel justifies the contempt with which they are viewed by the majority of viewers and listeners.

That they can demand the scarce foreign currency as payment for the dreadful nonsense they offer is nothing short of laughable.“Madam Page Two” would be better served lecturing her husband how not to make preposterous remarks at public gatherings.

Hell-holes

Zimbabwe’s preparedness to deal with the coronavirus is obviously the envy of the world, as our Health minister Obadiah Moyo has already told the country’s doubters.

It was, therefore, a surprise to hear that a man from Thailand had taken one look at Wilkins Hospitals and decided to take his chances by turning heel and running into the nearest bush.

We applaud how officials decided to use the more respectable term that the man had “absconded” from the hospital.Clearly, using terms like “runaway” would not look good in a press statement.

You know your hospitals are a hell hole when people who may be ill decide that they have better chances of surviving outside the hospital than inside it.

Brainwashed

The nation was in celebratory mood this week after news that Lewis Matutu, the Zanu PF youth league boss, had graduated from the Chitepo School of Ideology.
One will recall that Matutu was sent to the party’s brainwashing institution for what Obert Mpofu called a period of “rigorous reorientation”.

His crime was to speak out against a major party policy, namely theft and corruption. After a few days of such rigour, Matutu emerged from “an orientation course”, ZBC announced to an expectant world this week.

We are sure that, now that Matutu has been taught well, he will start acting like a normal Zanu PF person.First thing he was taught is that corruption is not illegal, it is encouraged. We know that any good curriculum includes a physical education module. We are sure that Matutu was taught in the methods of using axes and clubs to gently convince voters to support the party.

Pravda dreams

The levels of self-delusion at The Pravda show no signs of correction.“Economic reforms initiated by President Mnangagwa’s administration have enchanted the world, with Egypt declaring that Harare is on the threshold of a major economic breakthrough,” The Herald declared this week.

It must have come as a surprise to the world that it is enchanted with Zimbabwe’s investment environment. Because, if they were, would we have seen the 60% decline in foreign direct investment that the country suffered in 2019, according to figures released by John Mangudya himself?

But this is Orwell’s Sugarcandy Mountain, where “it was Sunday seven days a week, clover was in season all the year round, and lump sugar and linseed cake grew on the hedges”.

Muckraker remembers reading something about this level of self-delusion. They call it “anosognosia”. Basically, this is a severe case of mental illness in which a person is unable to understand that they are ill and need help. In the most extreme cases, some people will lose legs and arms but still insist they are fine.

To people with anosognosia, refusing treatment appears rational, no matter how clear the need for treatment might be to others. One hopes comrades at the Pravda get well soon.

Dubious

Muckraker joins the entire world in congratulating the protesters outside the US Embassy in Harare, who have now clocked almost a year camped outside the building to demand an end to sanctions.

It is a mystery how, surrounded by these gallant fighters, the Americans have still gone ahead and imposed another year of sanctions for being “a threat to US foreign policy”.

Even when a million Zimbabweans marched to a stadium to have two-pieces of chicken and a side helping of chips to show how angry we all were, the Americans still decided we deserve sanctions.

One wonders what it will take to have this embargo dropped. One of the protesters said all they ever hear from embassy officials is that Zimbabwe needs reforms. Surely, camping outside someone’s house should have done the trick.

Anyway, one wonders if we are ever going to get a refund from those Americans lobbyists to whom we have paid millions of dollars to speak nice words into Donald Trump’s hairy ear. We cannot be paying people for goods that they never deliver.

Twitter: @MuckrakerZim