THE latest episode in the long-running series, Our Leaders and Their Wives, took quite a turn this past weekend. It had all the drama, from a bathroom arrest to allegations of attempted murder.
It was alleged that Marry Mubaiwa took over US$1 million from the country. Yes, she is no longer Marry Chiwenga. Our patriotic media now calls her by her maiden name, lest her alleged crimes be associated with our valiant Liberator General, the man people once called General Bae before they realised they were being conned.
Obviously, the VP had no knowledge of the millions being allegedly siphoned out in his name. We must all believe that this was all the work of this cunning, young ex-model.
He might have masterminded one of the smoothest military operations in modern history, but he did not have the slightest idea that people working for the person closest to him were strolling through the airport with US$114 000 in cash stuffed in their pockets.
Of course, there are some among us asking questions: why are we told that businesses cannot source foreign currency for critical inputs, while others can simply swing by the bank for an allocation?
How is it that Schweppes cannot source a few million dollars to make Mazoe, when others can get a million US dollars from the bank for luxury cars? How is it that pharmacies are told to wait in line at the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe for allocations of forex to buy critical medicines, when others can simply make a phone call?
These are clearly unpatriotic questions. If pharmacies want to have easy access to forex, then maybe they should have married well like others.
In any case, when has taking money out of the country to buy luxury cars become a crime in the country? Besides, what is a humble Range Rover Autobiography? How can the person occupying the critical national office of Second Lady of the Republic of Zimbabwe do without a V6, 380-horsepower engine, semi-aniline leather upholstery, ventilated front seats, heated rear seats, a heated steering wheel, tri-zone automatic climate control, and automatic high beams?
Theatre of the absurd
There is concern over the state of things in the households of our leadership.First, one VP was reported to have run amok with an axe at the Beitbridge home of his ex-wife, breaking down three doors and having her three cars towed away. This was the same freedom fighter that had to go to court to complain that the lady was violent and “I am now living in fear for my life”.
We were all traumatised to see pictures of Colonel Kembo Mohadi sitting under a tree, resting. Swinging an axe takes a lot out of a man.Obviously the man was just defending himself; do they not say the best form of defence is attack, especially with an axe?
And then, while were still processing Tambudzani’s “evil” ways, we also heard of leaked audios of security personnel being allegedly told off by an even more powerful woman. We heard treasonous rumours of speedy escapes through maize fields.
Now, suddenly, we must deal with news that we almost lost the Liberator General when his trusted wife tried to unplug him from life support, in the middle of a whole hospital.
Other men must be looking at our leaders with envy, wishing they too had a whole Anti-Corruption Commission and an entire police force to use to settle domestic disputes.
No wonder our leaders are distracted. Muckraker is reminded of World War I. Just five months into the war, the Austro-Hungarian forces, under General Conrad von Hoetzendorf, had suffered almost 200 000 deaths, with over 300 000 soldiers either missing or taken prisoner.
In all this crisis, General Conrad’s mind was elsewhere. He was occupied by his troubles with his girlfriend Virginia.In his book, The Sleepwalkers, Christopher Clark writes: “It would be difficult to overstate the importance of this relationship; it was at the centre of Conrad’s life throughout the years from 1907 to the outbreak of the war, eclipsing all other concerns, including the military and political questions that came to his desk.”
The Zanu PF conference should have come up with a resolution condemning the West for clearly concocting all these domestic problems in order to prevent our leaders from focussing on national matters.
Speaking of national issues and our national mothers, it was yet another busy week for the real leader of the country, Dr Amai Auxillia. As ever, the Herald and ZBC were there to cover all her spending works.
First, she was out there teaching people how to drive. There she was out on the highways and at toll gates, preaching the gospel of traffic safety.
“This is the first time since Independence in 1980 that a First Lady has left her office to venture on the roads personally to promote road safety,” The Herald’s Chief Auxillia Reporter told the world. She is “a hands-on person with a passion to see the country thriving and who is also the National Transport and Drivers Association (NTDA) patron”, the nation was informed.
Done with the roads, she was literally getting her hands dirty cleaning people’s homes.“She washed dishes, did laundry and cleaned their homes. Amai Mnangagwa surprised many with her appreciation of the rural set-up when she left homes squeaky clean using cow dung,” it was reported.
The Herald then ran another headline: First Lady livens up festive mood. Seeing that headline, the nation commends her for doing the opposite of what her husband is doing this Christmas.
Just like all other patriotic Zimbabweans everywhere, Muckraker was glued to the country’s favourite and only TV station to watch the annual Zanu PF food fest.
This time every year, chefs gather at one place to compare bulging waistlines, discuss how much they managed to loot over the past year, and generally refresh last year’s lies. This time, Victor Matemadanda made a passionate speech against this Western thing they call elections.
“We will use any means necessary to defend the revolution,” said Matemadanda, the country’s loudest taxi-driver-turned-war veteran. “If elections fail we will use any other means necessary.”
He received loud cheers from the crowd, which was the same crowd that also cheered when its leader spoke about how the New Dispensation is so democratic and is re-engaging the world. After cheering talk about democracy, the same crowd also discussed the possibility of removing term limits. However, one has to understand that you do not actually need to bring a brain to a Zanu PF conference; you just bring your belly to eat.
Meanwhile, it was good to see a delighted Bryn Mteki returning to the fold. He will bring multitudes of voters to the party. The man managed to convince 2 732 people to vote for him in 2018. That is more than some of us could ever manage.
Muckraker commiserates with Jonathan Moyo after a few hired thugs are said to have disrupted the launch of his new book, Excelgate, this week.
Whatever his sins — and there are many — even the most toxic among us must be allowed their freedom of expression, even if they denied it to many people when they still had their noses deep in the feeding trough. Sights of a forlorn publisher Ibbo Mandaza, looking more depressed than he usually does, made for a sorry spectacle.
Jonathan and his fawning minions were unhappy with Muckraker describing his new book as a comic last week. Well, thankfully, Zanu PF was quickly there to help him with some free marketing.