“The other time, I had junior doctors who came to my office. We made each other see the reality that there is no money. We even invited personnel from the Ministry of Finance who explained to them in detail and they were left without any doubt that there was no money in government coffers.”
THIS week, a southern African country, home to the country’s strongest currency, celebrated news that people would now be able to see cash.
Of course the new bank notes promised by the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe did not turn up on Monday as promised. Would it even be a real Zanu PF government if it kept the most mundane of promises? The notes only turned up a day later than scheduled, amid fanfare in the state media.
“As bank vans started congregating at RBZ to collect the new $2 and $5 notes and the new $2 bond coins, RBZ Governor Dr John Mangudya said measures had been put in place to counter the channelling of cash from banks to the black market and the locking up of the new cash into the informal sector,” The Herald declared.
Dutifully, ZBC were out on the streets covering what we were supposed to believe were massive celebrations in the bank queues.
It is a mega victory for Zanu PF against all these detractors who have claimed that the ruling party is not capable of turning around the economy. The people must not forget that only Zanu PF can fix the economy, seeing as Zanu PF alone knows where they broke the economy.
We cannot have outsiders coming in to try and fix a drain when we all know what we threw in it to cause the blockage. We need to give Zanu PF a chance to fix it, even if it takes us another 40 years of broken promises.
Finally, we may get to use automated teller machines. Some of them were last used in the 2000s and may explode into a ball of dust should they be turned on suddenly.
You know a country is in trouble when people celebrate the possibility of using an ATM. The whole country may need to be taken for a national refresher seminar on how to use ATMs, preferably in the Victoria Falls.
Last week, President Emmerson Mnangagwa decided he was now tired of the deadwood in his cabinet.
So, to fix the problem, he came up with a genius plan. He simply added more deadwood.
The cabinet reshuffle saw Prisca Mupfumira being replaced as Tourism minister. Remember, she is in court accused of allowing herself to be caught with her diamond-encrusted allegedly fingers in the National Social Security Authority cookie jar.
Sekai Nzenza is now the new Minister in charge of our country’s industry. We all know she has done so admirably well at the Ministry of Labour that civil servants are weeping on the streets to see her go, in between crying over salaries and raising eyebrows about events at Nssa.
And then we have Jenfan Muswere, who is now in charge of ICT.
Obviously, ED simply decided that this ministry of those funny things called computers is not important enough. Why else would he use the ministry as a reward for this getaway vehicle? The man sounds like he has never sat in front of a laptop all his life.
Muckraker was amused to see Marian Chombo among the new deputies appointed by Mnangagwa.
“We were in a meeting with the President and he said we should not tolerate corruption and I will make sure I will do my best in that regard,” Chombo told The Herald. And the nation laughed.
Ironically, she is now the deputy in a ministry that was once headed so effectively by her former husband.
We are sure that she kept notes on how to destroy entire cities for one’s pleasure. Divorce court records from a few years ago tell us that she is familiar with the art of accumulating and managing vast properties, a key requirement for any Zanu PF official who has worked at Local Government.
There is also one Raymore Machingura, who has proved that one can rise to the top without working hard.
He is now in charge of tertiary education, although he himself has not spent a lot of time in tertiary education. Cain Mathema is now minister of Education, which makes sense seeing as he has young children to take care of.
If Mnangagwa appointed this sham cabinet as a way to embarrass those still willing to give him a chance, he did very well.
Speaking of the gravy train, nobody was shocked to learn that members of the fringe parties calling themselves Political Actors’ Dialogue (Polad) have been living their best lives on hotel rooms and allowances.
Appearing in The Herald on Monday, Obert Gutu said there was a “misleading and utterly malicious narrative about Polad that is being peddled by certain hostile and capricious political malcontents”. None of it was true, he said. They were all participating in the dialogue out of their patriotism and deep love for country. We must all pretend that videos posted by Polad members from luxury hotel suites at the Rainbow Towers were all fake, cooked up by detractors who are jealous of the progress that the owner of the country is making with Polad by his side.
The government this week continued with its strategically measured approach to solving the health crisis, which includes firing doctors and leaving hospitals empty.
Speaking at a press conference, Health minister Obadiah Moyo again reminded the country that there is no money in government coffers to pay these annoying medicine men and women.
“The other time, I had junior doctors who came to my office. We made each other see the reality that there is no money. We even invited personnel from the Ministry of Finance who explained to them in detail and they were left without any doubt that there was no money in government coffers,” Moyo said.
What he meant, in fact, was that there is no money for doctors, but enough for other important stuff, like foreign jaunts on private jets and new ministers.
Those who want Moyo fired for vindictiveness and general incompetence forget that those qualities are the ones that got him hired in the first place.
So, while Mnangagwa was hiring new ministers, he was firing more doctors. That is the sort of decisive leadership we all voted for.
The country has had many shortages over the years, but we have never been short of political scientists. One of the most revered ones is Jonathan Moyo, who is still taken seriously in some circles, including by journalists who take themselves seriously.
Zanu PF helped itself to three bid by-election wins last weekend in Wedza and Tsholotsho. Because he is one of those chaps always under self-pressure to have an opinion on everything, the country’s foremost political genius quickly went to work to analyse the results.
“As Zanu PF lackeys fall on each other to celebrate retaining wards it won in July 2018 in Tsholotsho and in Wedza in weekend by-elections, the embattled party has in fact lost 25,5% of its 2018 vote in Ward 16 in Tsholotsho and 22% in Ward 4 in Wedza,” opined the Prof, ignoring known voting trends in by-elections and results from all other recent by-elections.
His fans — and he has many — claim he is sharp.
If that is true, they must worry that the fellow is losing any remaining sense that he might have escaped with to Nairobi. Muckraker can hardly wait for Jonathan’s book. Heaven knows we need more comic relief in this Zanu PF country.