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Spin doctors denying humans have two legs

“We cannot respect the rights of the citizens of Zimbabwe when sanctions are still there . . . So I want to call upon my brother (European Union ambassador Timo Olkkonen), as we launch the anti-corruption campaign and say that corruption and sanctions go hand in hand.”

THIS week, the mystery of who exactly is behind the abductions of opposition activists was finally solved. It is, in fact, the opposition activists themselves.

MUCKRAKER
Twitter: @MuckrakerZim

According to Justice minister Ziyambi Ziyambi, all this is staged by the opposition.

“Why would we abduct people? To tarnish our own image? It is the MDC who are faking abductions, they are doing it so that they can remain relevant,” Ziyambi was quoted as saying.

So, in other words, these opposition activists are so clever, they have devised a way of using whips to beat themselves up across their backs and bottoms. They also now leave their homes at night and dump themselves in the middle of nowhere, all to tarnish the image of the government of Zimbabwe, led by the kind and generous democrat, President Emmerson Mnangagwa.

It must be a hell of a cutting-edge training regime that these activists have been receiving in the scenic Maldives.

However, it seems our leaders have not yet made up their minds on who exactly is doing all this. While Ziyambi blames the opposition for abducting themselves, Information Ministry permanent secretary Nick Mangwana blamed a “third hand” made up of “disgruntled former members of the old establishment”.

Nick himself later changed his mind, and started suggesting instead that comedian Gonyeti, abducted and beaten, was acting.

You know you are bad at propaganda when you are not convinced by your own lies.

Chameleon

A year or so after President Mnangagwa told the world that sanctions don’t really matter, his party is now planning a Sanctions Day public holiday.

In other words, there is to be a national day to talk about something that our leader said is no big deal.

Douglas Mahiya, who is the Zanu PF secretary for war vets and war collaborators and detainees and restrictees and ex-political prisoners and whatever else other group of leaches under his umbrella, said the day set aside by Sadc in October to call for sanctions to go should be declared a national holiday.

“It would be very good for the day to be declared a holiday. If the President says that day is a holiday it means that industry, farmers, doctors and everyone must be supportive of that day,” Mahiya told state propaganda parrot the Herald.

He lacks ambition. He should demand that all of Africa, and indeed the rest of the world, should also go on holiday on that day. Does he not know that Zimbabwe is the centre of the universe?

Not that Muckraker will turn down the chance of an extra public holiday. The whole country has been on involuntary holiday for months now due to forex and power shortages. Nobody would notice.

Bizarre logic

Still on the narrative of sanctions, government has dangled a carrot for the lifting of the punitive measures.

“Lifting sanctions would not signal the exoneration of the government on human rights, rather, it would strengthen protection of those rights and prevent future abuses,” Foreign Affairs minister Sibusiso Moyo wrote in an article published on Foreign Affairs, one of the world’s leading state policy platforms.

And there we were, thinking that government’s responsibility to protect people’s rights is premised on the country’s constitution and not whether sanctions exist or are removed. Such shallow reasoning will not result in the removal of sanctions, Cde minister!

It is actually the strengthening of protection of people’s rights that will facilitate the removal of sanctions.

Moyo’s argument is a classic case of putting the cart before the horse.

This drivel is in addition to the load of nonsense by Ziyambi on the issue. “Among the things we need to deal with are the reform process and the respect of our constitution, fundamental human rights. We cannot respect the rights of the citizens of Zimbabwe when sanctions are still there,” Ziyambi said at the launch of the anti-corruption campaign last week.

“So I want to call upon my brother (European Union ambassador Timo Olkkonen), as we launch the anti-corruption campaign and say that corruption and sanctions go hand in hand.”

Judging by this bizarre logic, government should set free former tourism minister Priscah Mupfumira, among others who are caged over corruption allegations, and just disband the Zimbabwe Anti-Corruption Commission until sanctions are removed. When such arguments, which are devoid of reasoning, are made by the country’s leaders, one understands why the country is mired in the doldrums. With such hopeless leaders, who needs enemies?

Mega-deals mania

By the time you read this, Mnangagwa would have stitched up multi-billion-dollar mega-deals in Japan, where he has been attending the Tokyo Conference on International Development (Ticad).

Watching ZBC and reading the Herald, one would think the whole event was staged just for Mnangagwa. The Japanese, we are being told, are rushing to meet him and throw their money at us.

There would be no mention of the fact that we are now down to two major Japanese brands in the country, down from a huge number almost 40 years ago.

In an editorial, the Herald told us that a 6,5km stretch of road in Makuti, being built by the Japanese, “is a revolutionary undertaking” on the country’s road to becoming a middle-income country by 2030.

The Japanese must have spilled their yunomi cups of green tea with laughter.

Mutodiocy

For centuries, it has been assumed that the more education one acquires, the less stupid they become. However, this theory has been busted as a myth in Zimbabwe, where it appears that idiocy increases in tandem with the number of qualifications one gets, especially if they are into politics.

Meanwhile, as we speak, leading educationists and behavioural scientists from around the world are heading to Zimbabwe to research into this unique phenomenon: why are holders of doctorates and professorships the dumbest people in Zimbabwean society?

As a sample, the researchers will take a tough tour through the mind of Energy Mutodi, who recently got a doctorate from a top South African university. Researchers will take a journey into Mutodi’s thought process — a process you can liken to municipal workmen wading through a festering pond of sewage in Zengeza.

They will find tweets like the one he posted this week, in which he called an MDC youth leader, beaten up by suspected Zanu PF thugs in Kwekwe, a drunkard and a prostitute. The researchers will obviously come to the conclusion that some people, in fact, have allergic reactions to education. Some are better off remaining in their chosen professions, on the dancehalls of seedy bars, dancing the night away to Koffi Olomide.

No government that hopes to be taken seriously plucks such clowns from nowhere and makes them ministers.

Dr Nku joins Ndombolo bandwagon?

Mutodi is not the only one showing us that education does not always help your mind.

This week, we were told that President Emmerson Mnangagwa suffered an embarrassing loss at the hands of the MDC after a tweet that he had not even seen was deleted from Twitter. Announcing the massive opposition victory, MDC leader Nelson Chamisa’s spokesperson Nkululeko Sibanda, tweeting excitedly from the United Kingdom, said American comedian Steve Harvey had been paid to tweet about how lovely the Victoria Falls were. After being bombarded by democrats, presumably, Harvey subsequently deleted the tweet, representing a victory so massive it somehow compensates for July 2018.

“He is just making his money,” Sibanda said of Harvey, suggesting Mnangagwa’s US consultants got Harvey to “tweet about Mnangagwa”. Who knew the President was actually a waterfall. Dr Nku, as those who can bear his struggling accent call him, bragged that “we got to him and he quickly deleted the post . . . they (Zanu PF) are losing fast.”

Clearly, the only thing that is being lost fast is Dr Nku’s mind.

If a walk through Mutodi’s mind is like wading through fetid sewage, then a walk through Nkululeko’s head is like taking a long walk in a vast empty, arid desert. Nothing is happening in there, apart from an occasional sighting of a flea-bitten camel decaying under a palm tree.

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