THE nation was shocked this week to hear a man who once boasted of holding several degrees in violence suddenly preaching against it. It was like listening to the Pope renouncing his Catholic faith.
After a career of opportunism, murder and pillage spanning 50 years, former president Robert Mugabe (pictured) has, late in life, found a new career as a lecturer in peace and love primarily against enforcers of his predatory rule.
The massive change obviously came after months of reflection in the solitude of the Blue Roof mansion and, of course, in the frequent flights away from the mess he created.
Speaking at his palatial Chinese-built home on his birthday, attended by family and remnants of his private club of bitter desperados, Mugabe is reported to have given a lecture to guests on good governance. “Some people think that being a leader means killing people and beating people, but that is not the way,” he said, much to the dismay of the thugs that he once sent out to butcher citizens and rob them blind.
“God has his own way of punishing rogues and cruel people,” Mugabe said, obviously speaking from personal experience.
All this was said as the entire mafia gorged on sirloin, pig on the spit, grilled chicken and salads. Clearly everyone has forgotten that Dr Amai once said she sometimes starved herself in solidarity with the masses her hubby impoverished.
Instead of going after Emmerson Mnangagwa, Mugabe must be thanking him. So spectacular has been Mnangagwa’s failure that Mugabe’s political and media apologists are now telling the world that their leader was merely an innocent, powerless prisoner of Mnangagwa for 40 years. Poor chap. It is just sad that we are past the era of big birthdays for our innocent, blameless leader. Muckraker has fond memories particularly of the 2015 party, where elephant and other game were slaughtered to feed thousands on the Elephant Hills gold fairway.
Who wouldn’t miss power if you used to eat a zoo on your birthday?
But the point is Mugabe in the end sounded like Hitler denouncing the holocaust. Just imagine!
Speaking of food, our new owners this week made a revolutionary discovery: bread can actually be made out of local wheat.
It was such a ground-breaking discovery that the Minister of Industry and Commerce, Mangaliso Ndlovu, had to bring the inventor of this trailblazing invention to cabinet, so that other ministers could also marvel at this scientific breakthrough.
The Herald, ever the national bearer of good news to the nation, reported the wonderful discovery: “Bread can be baked from locally produced wheat without blending it with imported ingredients as widely believed, it has emerged.”
The paper then went on: “Brainman Investments founder Mr Douglas Kwande yesterday debunked the myth after bringing standard loaves of bread baked using 100 percent locally produced wheat to cabinet for appreciation by President Mnangagwa and cabinet Ministers.”
Of course, we are aware that some have long said our type of wheat needs some sort of blending with imported grain to produce quality bread. Otherwise, they said, you only produce low-grade bread that breaks at the briefest appearance of a knife. All these haters are obviously either foreign-sponsored detractors, greedy capitalists, or they are working to return the country to Rhodesia.
Ndlovu, clearly one of our brightest minds in cabinet, parading loaves of this miracle bread for reporters, declared to the nation: “As you can see today, all cabinet members have a loaf of bread.”
Until this week, nobody in cabinet was aware that wheat can make bread. And now that we have solved the bread shortage with this home-grown solution, can we also find a similarly indigenous solution for the fuel crisis? Imagine a country where a minister goes to cabinet carrying a loaf of bread to justify its authenticity and quality.
Who needs bread?
Still on matters culinary, Muckraker was watching a foreign TV station spreading its usual sponsored propaganda about Zimbabwe, in which they claimed that we had bread shortages, when a man appeared to say we should substitute bread for sweet potatoes. “We are in the rainy season, we have sweet potatoes and porridge,” the man, who was called an expert on consumer issues, told the station.
One is reminded of the time in 2007 when our newly-converted Dalai Lama told a starving nation, short of maize meal, to stop all the whining for nothing and just go eat potatoes and rice. At least, unlike his successor, he was true to his beliefs, seeing as he is in court fighting some company over potato seeds.
Muckraker joins millions of other proud Zimbabweans in celebrating the successful launch of the continent’s strongest currency, the RTGS dollar.
While other currencies of so-called bigger economies struggle, ours has throughout this week defied the naysayers. The rand of South Africa — which prances about the neighbourhood calling itself the economic powerhouse of the region — is trading at around R14 to the US dollar. As for Nigeria, which tinkered with its numbers not long ago just so it can call itself Africa’s biggest economy, the naira is trading at about 360 to the US dollar. In comparison, our brand new currency has held its value at RTGS$2,5 against the US dollar, making our economy easily the pride and envy of the entire continent. Our new local currency — which has a funny name — is the strongest in the region and the third in Africa after the Libyan Dinar and Tunisian Dinar — obviously stronger than the Botswana Pula and South African Rand! Wow.
All patriots are therefore perturbed when we read newspapers carrying words from unpatriotic economists, who tell us the value of our money is artificial and that it does not really reflect how strong our economy has become under the wise and able leadership of our business-friendly leader, Mnangagwa. It is regrettable that the Zanu PF youth league has postponed a march it had planned for the weekend to show solidarity and support to our President.
One of the best bits of good news this week was that an Indian investor, obviously one of millions of investors stampeding to get into the country, plans to build a specialist hospital in Zimbabwe.
The group, called Kira Hospital and described as “one of India’s top specialist and health research centres”, apparently plans to construct a 550-bed sanatorium in Zimbabwe. “In an interview, Australian-Indian foreign investment consultant Mr Satishkumar Gandhi said the hospital will bring convenience to patients who have had to fly to India for specialist and quality healthcare,” the state press reported. All of us having seen the miracles of Indian medicine, this is welcome move.