MUCKRAKER has always said we are an ungrateful bunch that does not deserve its kind and thoughtful leaders.
Last Saturday, after days of people demanding that President Emmerson Mnangagwa do something about the fuel queues, the man came out and did just that.
In a stroke of genius, it was decided that the best way to end fuel queues was to make sure that less people could afford it. This is the sort of cutting edge economics they teach over there at Oxford and so forth.
So, after fuel prices were more than doubled, people started leaving the queues and the queues got shorter in no time at all. Just what the people had demanded.
Only to see people, some of them who have never owned a car in their lives, let alone join a petrol queue, throwing stones, burning things and being unruly for no good reason.
Why? Is this not what people had demanded? Did you people not beg Mnangagwa to “say something” about the fuel situation? Well, there it is. He did.
Is there a more ungrateful bunch in the world than you Zimbabweans? Besides, as Mthuli Ncube would say, nobody sent any of you to buy cars or board kombis.
To send this article for publishing, Muckraker had to send smoke signals to the editor who, in turn, sent a pigeon to come and collect this week’s column.
This was after our benevolent leadership finally found out what the cause of the economic crisis was: it is the internet. Wisely, the government did what any right-thinking government would do when faced with rising prices: they shut down the internet and paralysed social media.
This, according to our leaders, will make sure that all the people’s grievances are met. Without the internet, prices will drop sharply, workers will suddenly be satisfied with their pay, hospitals will have drugs and well paid doctors, schools will have happy teachers and every youth will have multiple jobs to select from.
Also, without the internet, investors will come knocking on our doors, even though they will have no means of communicating with the outside world or sending and receiving money electronically.
ZBC will report: “Economy set for boom after internet shut down, analysts said”, while the Herald will declare to the world that “All problems solved after Mnangagwa’s genius internet blackout”.
Clearly, going back to primitive ways, like closing the internet so we can revert to beating drums as a means of communication, is what Open for Business really means.
And people say this is a government short of ideas?
News that they reopened the internet to send money for Mnangagwa’s upkeep in Russia shows government’s penchant for shooting itself in the foot.
The decision to take the country back to the Stone Age due to paranoia over the protests also affected the Zimbabwe Revenue Authority which lost huge amounts of money, not to mention the impression it left for tourists who failed to carry out various transactions. The irony, of course, is that Mnangagwa is going across the globe in an effort to sell the country as an ideal investment destination. At this rate he may as well stay home.
Back to basics
Too many of us had been taken in by all the nice “new dispensation” PR. At least, to its credit, this government has now decided that it is time to stop the charade, drop the whole “new era” mask and get back to the Zanu PF that all of us recognise.
We are now back to the real Zanu PF, and there is massive celebration across the country. We have all the signs: threats against the opposition, threats against non-governmental organisations, claims of foreign interference, talk of sanctions and so forth.
For a few months, we did not hear any talk of foreign interference. If anything, we were told all these foreigners were now our friends.
We were even told not to worry too much about sanctions. We could prosper with or without the West. Even the party’s supporters could no longer recognise it. As for the party officials banished to Zanu PF headquarters in favour of “technocrats”, they must be in celebratory mood. They must be certain that soon, they will be called back to Munhumutapa Building to resume their usual work, now that Zanu PF has decided to go full-Zanu PF.
So, at least, there is one good outcome of this week’s terrible events; nobody can still describe this government as a “new dispensation” without being laughed at by children.
We are, meanwhile, grateful that our leader is braving snow and cold over there in Europe, as he continues his year-long quest to bring us investment and bags of foreign money.
Muckraker shed a light tear of gratitude and pride, watching the man arrive in Moscow all wrapped up head to toe in a large, ill-fitting coat. The man is taking such pain for us, and yet here we are, throwing stones and demanding that he quit so we can install a new leader. We surely do not deserve this leader.
We wait to see what goodies he brings back from the giant kingdoms of Azerbaijan, Belarus and so forth. As a patriot, Muckraker intends to host a massive welcome home party for our President when he returns, followed by a full parade in tow.
Of course, there is a lot to be said about these countries. Going to Belarus for financial aid is like begging for beer at Asina Hembe Bar in Glen Norah; the best you can get from the type of drinkers there is a tiny sip of masese, if you are lucky.
Amid all the tragedy we saw this week, there were moments of rib-breaking comic relief. First, we saw a video of a young man in Mabvuku, celebrating that he had finally been able to loot for himself a bottle of fine whiskey from the local supermarket.
The chap looked very much like he had dipped himself up to the eyeballs on the stolen alcohol. We can only hope, for his sake, the military did not come knocking on his door looking for the criminals behind that whiskey heist. The evidence would have been overwhelming.
Equally hilarious, and also equally drunk, were the National Patriotic Front, an outfit that is only taken seriously by those who are part of it. Everyone else with any basic sense can see that squad for what it really is: ragtag louts that escaped from the lunatic asylum before completing their treatment.
Anyway, here they were, writing to Mnangagwa to demand his resignation for “failure”. Muckraker advises people to listen when NPF speak about failure. They are experts in that field.
Once again, Muckraker commends the government for always setting its priorities straight. The amount of teargas the police always has in stock is truly a marvel, especially given that it is all imported with scarce foreign currency.
We have no forex for medication, no forex to save our manufacturers, no forex to import fuel and other essential supplies. But when it comes to teargas, we seem to have a pile of forex reserves the size of Mount Kilimanjaro.
Talking nonsense with Mutodi on Dead BC
Muckracker will forever rue the day that the excitable information deputy minister Energy Mutodi discarded his rhumba outfit for ministerial office.
This week he showed that he is not averse to flights of fancy. Quizzed about the internet shutdown on propaganda-broadcasting mouthpiece ZBC, Mutodi gave a rather bizarre response. He said there was no internet shutdown, adding that, in fact, it was internet congestion as a result of an overload of people sending each other videos.
This quite daft explanation was exposed for the trash it was when Econet explained that they had been directed by government that Facebook, YouTube, WhatsApp and Twitter remain shut.
Having such dodgy characters in government makes a mockery of Mnangagwa’s claim that they are a new dispensation. If anything, this motely lot are proving to be a replica of the despised regime of the doddering nonagenarian and former president Robert Mugabe.