“40 years is not youth. Let the 40-plus represent themselves if the 52 years worry them.”
ZANU PF is gathering this week in Esigodini south of Bulawayo hopefullyto come up with solutions to the economic crisis, which is marked by shortages and strikes. Faced with these challenges, Zanu PF has come up with a masterstroke to address the deteriorating situation: increase the minimum presidential age and have your youths walk on foot for 500km and endorse President Emmerson Mnangagwa as the party’s candidate for 2023 elections — soon after the last elections.
After the war veterans announced last week that nobody below the age of 52 should ever be allowed to lead the country, the Zanu PF women’s league this week voiced support for the proposal. Once we bar anyone below 52 from running for office, all our problems will disappear. Prices will go down, we will swim in fuel, we will have more jobs than citizens, the country will have its own stable currency, and we will have to beat away investors with a stick as they riot into the country to give us their money.
The nation is grateful to be led by a party that is always thinking outside the box. Nobody can ever accuse Zanu PF of doing what everybody else does. It’s always outlandish. As for the youths, since they are not fit to lead the country, Zanu PF has been putting them to more productive use. They are not good enough to be presidents, but they are good enough to walk from Harare to Esigodini — 479km — to show their loyalty to their 76-year-old owner.
“The Zanu PF Youth League, which has since endorsed President Emmerson Mnangagwa as the party’s 2023 Presidential election candidate, has dedicated its Harare-Esigodini Tree Planting Walkathon to the Head of State in solidarity with the hardships he suffered during his political journey,” the Herald reported. Yes it was in the Herald which doesn’t know the difference between an architect and engineer.
It is good to hear that our young people have found such useful things to do while waiting to turn 52. Now that anyone can hire them to walk in solidarity with any hardship or suffering, we wait for them to stop eating in solidarity with the hungry masses, as Dr Amai once taught us all.
Just a number
Flying into the age debate this week came one Pupurai Togarepi. “I don’t see anything wrong in proposing a position regarding age limits unless war veterans are not entitled to their opinion,” said Togarepi. He went on: “40-years is not youth. Let the 40 plus represent themselves if the 52 years worry them.”
This surprised nobody. Anyone who is in his late 50s and is leader of a party’s youth wing, would obviously not recognise a youth even if he or she hits him in the face. Besides, the very concept of youth itself is very fluid and hazy in Zanu PF. Did we not see 70-year-olds singing and dancing at all those Mugabe youth interface rallies?
Did we not see an angry-looking 42-year-old winning a party beauty pageant a week ago?
If someone aged 57 can be a youth leader in Zanu PF, a 40-year-old might as well be a suckling baby to that lot.
Still talking about the conference, Mnangagwa himself must have been shocked to learn that he has, in the few months since he was elected to office, already shown enough leadership qualities to force the masses to demand that he remain in office in 2023 and beyond.
Having twiddled his fingers for a full year, and having overseen a quick collapse since the election, it must have come as a surprise to hear that there are still people out there who think he is doing a good job.
“We have agreed as the League to endorse ED for 2023. We are giving him another term. We will support all the policies he has put in place to revive this country to its previous glory,” said Khumbulani Mpofu, a Zanu PF youth leader in Bulawayo.
Clearly, Zanu PF is not just a party, but a particularly aggressive sickness for which there is no cure for those that come into contact with it. Just when people were lying to themselves that the endorsement disease was cured in November 2017, here comes the ruling party with scientific evidence showing that one cannot shoot their way out of decades of tomfoolery.
ED is the role model of all lazy workers in the civil service, who keep getting promotions without ever having to show results for all the many hours they spend in the office, doing nothing but talking.
The man has been so idle that people sitting around doing nothing may soon be arrested for impersonating the president.
Speaking of endorsements, it is always a marvel to watch how quickly the MDC manages to shut the mouths of its supporters each time they start laughing at Zanu PF.
While many MDC fans were pointing and laughing at Zanu PF for endorsing their leader for no apparent reason, some MDC branches, also for no apparent reason, came out to endorse Nelson Chamisa for 2023.
This made it immediately awkward for their full-time cheerleaders.
One moment you are mocking Zanu PF for doing the usual Zanu PF things, and the next moment your own party is suddenly also doing Zanu PF things.
On Wednesday, we even saw Chamisa “officiating” at a “ground breaking” ceremony for a planned school in Kuwadzana, all decked out in white overcoats. Breaking ground, as the nation knows, is Mnangagwa’s favourite hobby. No wonder some say this bunch only wants a spot on the gravy train, and not to actually get rid of the dilapidated train.
In recent months, the economy has lurched from one crisis to another and the quality of life is transitioning from terrible to horrific. As most would remember, in the post-coup euphoria that gripped the nation, Zimbabweans have often peddled the fallacy that “surely, nobody can be worse than Mugabe”.
But the catastrophic economic collapse is forcing them to think again.
It is safe to say that, if the economy continues on this ruinous path, Mugabe will soon look like a hard working president. Pampered cabinet ministers are telling us that there is enough fuel and food for the “festive season”. Are they living on planet Mars? What festive season are they talking about?
What kind of country has no coke?
You know a country is in serious trouble when you cannot even find anywhere a bottle of Coca-Cola, one of the world’s most popular brands.
This is a beverage that is found everywhere, even in war zones. Of course, you may not find a coke in North Korea or Cuba, and one would hate to think the so-called New Dispensation is trying to look as bad as Kim’s hermit kingdom. Even Myanmar (Burma) now has coke.
Mnangagwa of course promises us milk and honey, but it appears we will have to suffer a Christmas holiday without our mandatory dosage of soft drinks. Robert Mugabe killed thousands and looted the country bone dry, but at least he allowed us to drown out our sorrows in as much brown sugary water as we could afford. Now his successor, who actually met the Africa head of Coca-Cola earlier this year, and told us for months that he was a friend of businesses, cannot even supply enough foreign currency for companies to make coke, a sign of failure.
Muckraker recalls a statement by writer Tom Standage, author of A History of the World in Six Glasses, who says an economy’s health can be measured by the presence of Coca-Cola in it.
“The moment Coca-Cola starts shipping is the moment you can say there might be real change going on here,” he says. “Coca-Cola is the nearest thing to capitalism in a bottle.”
What, we wonder, are Mnangagwa’s people at the Zanu PF conference using to quench their thirst? After singing songs in his praise, which he once told us would be a thing of the past, they surely need a few drinks. What is there to drink? Clearly, for the first time in years, there won’t be any refreshments from Gushungo Dairy there this year. And no coke too!